It’s 8 p.m. After a long day at work you relax on your sofa whilst awaiting dinner. Suddenly the telephone rings, wrecking this moment of well deserved happiness. On the other end of the line, a not very nice voice explaining that you will sign up for the new ATT program, which will not only save you a fortune, but will make you happy too. And before even peeping a word, you are summoned to provide your credit card number.
We have all lived through this moment of frustration, almost daily, and be it for a telephone company, credit card peddler, a magnet merchant, or whatever society of leprous orphans and legless cripples, the telemarketer will not loosen his grip until he has your cash.
LA PLUME NOIRE is proud to present its:
Little Anti Telemarketer Guide.
First we’ll draw up a profile of the enemy and propose different strategies to conquer him.
1. The Enemy
Forces
Surprise: the calls are carefully planned to surprise you in a moment of weakness, such as dinnertime, weekends, or the beginning of the evening.
Aggressive and Tenacious: paid by commission, his/her goal is to squeeze the maximum out of you in a minimum amount of time.
Deceitful: Even if it’s rare that he be crooked, he won’t hesitate in using traps, like inquiring about how you feel or calling on your birthday.
Preparation: Not only does he follow a script learned by heart, he also possesses a list of your eventual objections. Moreover, generally a profile of your consumer spending habits is at his disposal.
Weaknesses
IQ: His level of intelligence is not very high, otherwise he would have a real job.
Cowardice: He hides behind his telephone.
(Over)Estimate: He is persuaded that he has conquered you from the moment you lift the receiver.
2. Strategies
A. Preparations
A telemarketing call is recognizable. As you pick up there is a delay (in the form of silence) and then a characteristic click of an automated call.
If you have Caller ID, the number will appear as an outside area call, just like an international call.
B. Short term strategy
Consists of ending the call in an expeditious and brutal manner.
Hang Up
Say it’s the wrong number
Respond that you’re not in
Say you have not time to waste
Answer that your are not the decision maker in the household
Demand to be paid for your trouble
Put the phone on the counter and go about your business
Make an indecent proposal (whether it’s a man or a woman)
All of the sudden speak in a foreign language or make one up
insults:
"If I were you I would look for a real job."
"Fuck You"
"Does all of the knowledge you possess consist in bothering people by telephone?"
"Have the monkeys been liberated from the zoo?"
Emission of unseemly sound effects:
Push the "Start" button on the fax or try to get online
Flush the toilet (metaphor addressed to the telemarketer)
Blast Rob Zombie (or Roch Voisine for the Canadians)
Even if this strategy is the most widespread and fun, it is nevertheless the least efficient, since it doesn’t waste enough time, and therefore money, of the telemarketer.
C Long Term Strategy
By wasting the telemarketer’s time, it increases his opportunity cost: the other calls (and commissions) that he could be making.
- Waste his time
Use of a friendly voice to win his confidence
Let him present his product (it’s the moment of a long monologue, where all of the advantages of the offer are recited at high speed)
Pose slightly twisted questions to show your interest and make him think
Let him make his offer
- Drive the telemarketer crazy
After 10 minutes, the final opportune moment to announce that "anyway it doesn’t interest me." The telemarketer ready to capture his prey is taken by surprise.
A counter attack will follow with a better offer and answers to your questions that have been prepared to convince you of your error. Respond with absurd and contradictory arguments that will scatter the stunted brain of your speaker and drive him crazy. One notes that in case of receiving advice of the "If I were you I would sign" genre, a scathing response of the "If you were in my place you would run a business instead of telemarketing " genre should set the clocks back to the correct hour.
Wait until the telemarketer decides to end the conversation, the ultimate admission of his stinging defeat.
